初二物理应用题及答案:当追求幸福变成真正的幸福

当追求幸福变成真正的幸福

by Norm Ephraim, Ed.D.

撰文：Norm Ephraim, Ed.D.

翻译：Shayne Yeats

Let’s face it. We all want to be happy. The pursuit of happiness is a common pursuit.  We all realize, sooner or later, that outer success does not produce lasting happiness. 

还是让我们来面对这个事实吧：我们都想成为一个快乐的人。对幸福的追求是一种再普遍不过的追求。我们都知道，外在的成功无法给我们带来永恒的幸福，这样的幸福感迟早会枯竭。

So what does? Loving ourselves and loving others. In fact, we can only love others authentically when we love ourselves.

那么，什么才能给我们带来持续性的幸福感呢？是爱我们自己和爱他人。事实上，只有当我们在爱自己时，我们才能真正地爱他人。

So why is it that some people seem to feel self love easily, while others spend their lives searching in relationships or career accomplishments to find it? While it may seem cliche, the answer does seem to point to experiences in childhood. 

那么为什么有些人能够很容易地就做到自爱，而其他的人却花费了一辈子的时间也没有拥有完满的人际关系或职业成就呢？这听上去或许有点陈词滥调，但问题的答案却与他们的童年经历有关。

What we know as self esteem begins, originally, in the esteem parents have for their children. Through the simplest acts of touch, attention to feelings, and guidance toward accomplishment, a child comes to see their own worth reflected in their parents’ eyes. They see themselves as love-able i.e. worthy and able to be loved.

我们都知道自尊在一般情况下都是由我们的父母给与的。通过一些简单的行动，比如触摸、情感交流或素质教育，小孩子都能够从他们父母眼中看到自己的价值。他们视自己是有爱的能力的，例如，他们值得被爱，也能够给与他人以爱。

These feelings are so powerful that they have been found to influence longevity. When through various forms of abuse and neglect a child fails to get this mirror of love, two things happen. First the child begins to take in the feeling of defectiveness or un-loveability. Since, to a child, a parent is God, parental abuse and neglect (including insensitivity to feelings) is experienced as justified. "If mommy or daddy treats me this way, it must be my fault."

这种感觉是如此强大以至于会影响到我们的寿命。当各种形式的虐待和忽视发生在儿童身上时，他们将得不到爱，这时会有两件事发生。其一，小孩会有一种残缺感或缺乏爱的感觉。对于小孩来说，父母就是上帝，父母的虐待和忽视（包括感情上的疏忽）会被小孩认为是理所当然的。“如果爸爸、妈妈这样子对待我，那一定是我的过错。”

A second thing also happens. Children are masters at devising strategies to get love or prevent abandonment. A common "protective strategy" is perfectionism. "If I'm perfect, then mommy or daddy will love me."

其二，小孩非常擅长于制定策略来赢得他人的爱并避免自己遭受忽视。一个普通的“保护策略”就已是非常完美的了 。“假如我表现优异，那么爸爸妈妈一定会爱我。”

The search for perfection can become a lifetime one, whether it be for the perfect partner, the perfect accomplishment, or the perfect amusement or "high." But the result will always be disappointing. Nothing can replace self love.

不论是寻找完美的伴侣、实现完美的成就、还是度过完美的娱乐时光，这种追寻完美的过程是一个永无止境的人生课题。然而，结果往往不尽如人意。没有哪样东西能够取代自爱。

Is there hope for those who didn't get enough love in childhood? The answer is a resounding yes!! But like anything worthwhile, it takes effort. The key is in the way we experience our memories of parenting.

对于那些在童年时没有得到足够的爱的人来说，他们能过上美好的生活吗？答案是肯定的！不过，像其它任何一样有价值的东西那样，要想得到它们必须得付出代价。其关键就是我们回忆我们的被抚养经历的方式。

Rather than being simply static memories from childhood, each of us carries within our mind an "inner parent," a voice which talks to us much as our parents did. If our parenting was primarily supportive, our self talk will be so also. If our parenting was primarily negative, we will tend to be self critical much of the time.

我们对于童年往事的回忆不仅仅只停留在静态层面上，在我们的头脑中都有一个“内在的父母”，他们在我们心中传达某种呼声，正如他们在平常做的那样。假如我们的父母是支持我们的，那我们的心理暗示也是如此。假如我们的父母是消极负面的，那么我们也就会在大部分时间里自责。

Some of this self criticism will be a simple replay of what we heard. More often, though, a child criticizes themselves to protect their relationship with parents. In this fact lies both the source of much of our distress -- and the seed of our renewal. 

这些自责中有一些仅仅是由我们所听闻的反馈而来。虽然是这样，孩子们还是常常通过自责来保持与家长之间的关系。这一事实即反应了我们的烦恼的来源又体现了我们想要重塑自我的渴望。

Once we realize that people with high self-esteem talk lovingly to themselves -- especially when under stress, and those with low self-esteem are self critical, we create for ourselves a pathway to change. The goal becomes changing the way we talk to ourselves.

当我们意识到拥有很强自信心的人往往更爱自己---尤其是当他们处于重压下，而那些拥有较弱自信心的人往往会自我批判后，我们就给自己创建了一条通向改变之路。这个目标就是改变我们的进行心理暗示的方法。

Three Steps to Move from a Pursuit of Happiness to True Happiness Step One: Awareness

三个步骤从追求幸福转变为正真的幸福

第一步：意识

It’s amazing how differently we can talk to ourselves at different times. If we're having a good day, our mind often reflects this in positive thoughts. Often, at such times, our mind can be very quiet and peaceful.

在不同的时候，我们的心态会有很大的反差。假如我们度过了愉快的一天，我们就总会带有一种非常积极的心态。在这样的情况下，我们的心灵往往都是非常平静和安宁的。

Contrast this with times we're under stress or after experiencing some disappointment. At those times our mind can be quite negative and quite "busy." 

但是但我们处于压力之下或感到沮丧时，我们的心态就会变得消极负面。

In my experience, when our mind is full of anxiety, and general static, we are often re-experiencing a "child state of mind." In essence, a negative life event has sent us shuttling back in time to experience younger feelings. Once we can recognize how we've gone from feeling expansive and adult to insecure and childlike we have an amazing gift. We can feel compassion. 

从我了解到的情况来看，当我们满脑子充满了焦虑等负面的想法时，我们其实是在重复经历“儿童思维”这种状态。从本质上来讲，生活中消极事件的发生让我们又重新回到了过去的糟糕情绪中。一旦当我们认识到了我们是如何从情感丰富和理智的状态走向缺乏安全感和孩子般无助的状态，我们就会发现自己所拥有的惊人天赋，我们有同情怜悯之心。

Step Two: Compassion

第二步：同情怜悯

When ever we shift into an insecure child state of mind (we all do at times), we each "go home" to specific inner experiences of support, abuse, or neglect. Depending on our particular childhood, we will be able to generate self love and self care at such times, or not. 

不论当我们在何时进入一种缺乏安全感的儿童心态时（我们总是这样做），我们就会在到自己的内心世界中寻找到相应的支持、虐待或忽视。在这样的情况下，我们就会产生自爱自尊自重的心态，或许没有，而这完全取决于我们儿时的经历。

But whatever happens, it’s not our fault. This fact is crucial. Once we recognize that it’s only by the luck of the draw that we go home, in our minds, to inner parental support, we become more empathic. 

不过，不论发生了什么，一切都不是我们的过错。这是非常重要的。一旦当我们认识到了我们仅仅是因为运气欠佳才有当下的处境时，我们就会回到自己的内心世界去找到“内在的父母”的支持，这样我们就更容易与他人产生共鸣。

We can feel love for ourselves and our particular story. From that compassion we can truly take better care of ourselves. We can undertake authentic adult action. 

我们可以爱我们自己，也可以从自己的故事中去发现爱的足迹。这种同情怜悯之心能正真地让我们更好地爱护自己。我们要像成人般那样行事。

Step Three: Authentic Adult Action

第三步：像成人般那样行事

In a child state of mind, we often feel passive and helpless. Our self talk includes either anxious statements like "I'll never be good enough," " I can't do it," "If only," or self critical ones "snap out of it," "grow up," or "stop making a mountain out of a molehill." 

在儿童般的思维模式中，我们常常会感到消极被动和无助。我们的心理暗示还包括其它的焦虑性的东西，如“我很差劲，”“我做不到，”或“如果，”，还有就是自我批评类的，如“快点摆脱这种局面，”“学着点，”或“不要小题大做。”

Once we recognize that we're in a child state, and have compassion to our unique childhood experience, we need to actively assert our adult energies. Authentic adult actions are those which help us shift us out of a child state to a more expansive and adult sense of ourselves. Simply put, authentic adult action involves greater self care. 

一旦当我们发现自己处在一种儿童心理状态而且对自己的儿童经历充满同情时，我们就要积极维护自己的成人应有的特质。像成人般那样行事就是一种能帮助我们摆脱儿童心理状态并能够让自己更成熟地看待自己的方法。简而言之，像成人般行事包含有更多的自我照顾。

Sometimes this involves just accepting our current feelings as a reflection of earlier childhood experience. At other times, it includes actively taking better care of needs. Whether it be preparing a nice meal for ourselves or calling a friend, authentic adult action is, in essence, being like a "positive self parent." 

有时我们就是要去接受当下的情绪就是自己儿童经历的反应这样的事实。在其它的情况下，我们就要尽可能地去满足自己的需求。不论是给自己准备一顿丰盛的大餐还是和一个朋友打电话，像成人般那样行事从本质上来讲就是要做自己的积极的导师。

Often, too, authentic adult action involves challenging our stream of negative self talk. This is much easier to do when we realize that we're in a child state of mind. We may be stuck in the pursuit of happiness and not truly happy.  Whenever we're having catastrophic "what if" thoughts about the future, we can become more relaxed if we recognize that our thinking may be more that of a young child than a full adult.

此外，像成人般行事还意味着我们要常常与消极的心理暗示做斗争。当我们认识到自己处在一种儿童心理状态时，这样的事做起来就更容易了。也许，我们在追求幸福，但我们并不感到正真的幸福。无论何时，当我们对未来持有一种灾难性的“假如”的想法时，只要我们意识到我们的想法不全是一个成人的，而是带有点孩子般的设想在里边的想法时，我们就会感觉轻松许多。

This can give us compassion -- and, often, a humorous perspective. The three keys to self love and truer happiness are awareness, compassion, and authentic adult action. 

这让我们学会了同情怜悯，也给我们带来了一种轻松幽默的视点。自爱和真正的幸福的三个关键要点就是：意识、同情怜悯和像成人般行事。